I hate packing

Packing is the worst. I literally have a single room to pack, a room that isn't even that big. And yet it is packed with stuff I didn't even realize I had. I looked at the bottom of this hamper I have that's basically a giant clothing storage bin, and there are dresses that haven't seen the light of day since last summer. I found old pairs of shoes, letters, cards, thank you notes, gift cards, probably $20 in change, perfume, every bobby pin known to man and several dozen ponytail holders. All of this scattered around my tiny room.

This makes me sound/feel like a class-A hoarder, which, you know, I probably am. But my room honestly never looked like it had so much stuff in it.

The saddest part of packing was removing all my DVDs from their cases and putting them in a giant CD case. I love the DVD cases! Alas, they take up too much space and I'm too cheap to ship them to my destination.

On the upside, having them in the CD case is like having a catalog showing evidence of how great my taste in television and movies is.

Just move on up to a greater day

I'm not quite in the writing mood but at the urging of a friend, I decided to revisit the blog. I'm hoping that with the big move next month, I'll have more interesting things to write about. I know a lot of this has mostly been about how I want change or how I'm in an awkward stage and how much I hate that awkward stage, and I don't know, that isn't necessarily something I should be writing about over and over. It ends up making me wallow a little bit, and that's not healthy at all.

I've grown a lot since I started this blog way back in 2007, and I've done a lot of living as well. Looking back now, I can appreciate all the tiny steps I was unconsciously making towards where I am today, and I can truly say that I'm ready to move forward.

Or, as Mr. Mayfield would say,

Extended absences are never good

The past couple of months have been a crazy jumble of just...stuff. I've had issues with my family, lost a couple of friends, downsized out of a job and spent the better part of the past 3 weeks trying to figure out just what it is I want to do with my life.

What I've figured out is that I am happiest when writing and learning new technologies. I love travelling, and even if I'm not fortunate enough to find a job that allows me to do that frequently, I know that my dream position will allow me the flexibility to take a vacation or two a year. And instead of papering the Internet with my resume, I've really hunkered down and focused on positions that are not just jobs, but places where I could flourish and grow. The contract positions I've enjoyed over the past 4 years haven't been the most glamorous or even the ones I knew a ton about going in. They were the ones where I learned something new everyday and was constantly presented with ways to challenge myself to hone and sharpen my craft. I just need to find a permanent job like that.

It's a little difficult to be picky right now, what with the terrible economy and all. But I haven't lost hope yet, and I know the right job is out there for me, somewhere. In the meantime, I have grad school to look forward to this summer (YAY!) and a temporary job with my old boss that I'm pretty excited for.

The playlist that is getting me through includes these two life-affirming songs:

I climbed a tree to see the world

It's sort of depressing that I haven't written in this ALL MONTH. And it isn't even really like I've been too terribly busy. Remarkably, I've mostly kept up with my workouts, which I'm so proud of. I mean, yeah, I do miss a day here and there, and then I have to balance that out with how much I eat. I have started enjoying working out and I think it is because I can see the results, even if my scale isn't really showing a huge difference. My clothes fit differently, my endurance is better, my skin is consistently clear. It has just been really good all around.

On a totally different note...
I have become more aware recently of my own mortality. I'm not dying, but when you're very young, you don't necessarily think about death or dying or how long you'll be here for. It's just sort of a given that you'll wake up every morning and that the days aren't really that important because there will just be another one tomorrow. Death is for other people. But now, in my 25th year, I've discovered that each day really is a gift and even if I'm not globetrotting or changing the world, it is important to spend as much time as I can appreciating the world and the people around me. There is a lot to be sad or angry or frustrated with in life, but the fact that you are here at all to even feel those emotions is something to be grateful for.

I encourage you to listen to the song below. I first heard it on an episode of "Grey's Anatomy" back in 2007, and became addicted to it. You don't even necessarily need to listen to the lyrics, just listen to the melody. It is possibly my favorite song ever, I cannot properly describe the feelings it gives me. But I have found it to be really fantastic thinking music. Or the soundtrack to my own music video. Sometimes, I listen to it when I'm on the bus on the way home from a doctor's appointment for work. And with this as your background music, the world becomes your very own stop motion music video.

Also, watch the Bright Star trailer (and the movie itself!) for the best use of music in a trailer. Ever.

Digital Nomad

The past month and a half have been a real struggle for me. I hate not having a job. And, yes, I realize I'm not the only person ever in the history of the world to hate being unemployed. I don't even have the excuse of being worried about bills or how I'm going to feed myself-I am concerned mostly with how I will entertain myself. I mean, really, there's only so many hours you can spend on Gawker Media websites before you start to question your own sanity.

In any case, I got a bite on a job, one that would afford me the great luxury of working remotely. Entirely remotely. And when I say "entirely remotely," I mean not a single meeting happens in person, and everything happens over the Internet. No, dear Internet readers, I have not been tricked into some Craigslist scheme. The job offer came through my agency and I'd be working for a well-known travel website. The pay isn't fantastic, but I am extremely pleased that it means I can work from home. Because that also means I can work while I'm away at graduate school. And more importantly for the here & now? It means I can travel. Soon.

My wanderlust kicked into overdrive last week when I realized that I would be spending my first Valentine's Day in my hometown in 2 years, and that I really do miss certain aspects of being overseas. Can I just hop off and globetrot for the next 5 months? Probably not. Because I do have to do work, and if the time difference at my destination is too great, I'll be working late at night all the time.

If I land this gig, my plan is to get settled into the job for a month or so, and then plan an extended vacation in Europe. Paris and London of course, but also to places I haven't been. The cities will not be far off the beaten track if only because I need to be sure I have a high-speed internet connection, but I will be gone for a while AND earning money.

I am keeping my fingers crossed because, really, this job is actually incredibly perfect for me right and it could not have come at a better time. Here's to hoping that I become a Digital Nomad in the not too distant future.

Wrinkles

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

The Break Up

So, the shred and I are currently seeing other people at the moment. I haven't entirely given up on it, but I will admit that by Sunday morning, I was incredibly bored with the frightening Ms. Michaels telling me to keep going even though I wanted to quit. During a switch in equipment, I sat for more than the minute she allows and I almost didn't get up again.

Sunday morning came 'round and I was snuggled warm and happy in my bed, watching "Supernatural" and calculating what exactly I could eat (or, how little I could eat?) so that I'd be justified in not doing the workout. And at that precise moment, my stepmom asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with her. At first, I replied with a falsely hoarse "No." I climbed back into bed and resumed watching the Winchester Brothers' chronicles. But something inside me (perhaps my conscience? Or the remnants of that delicious slice of pepperoni pizza I happily devoured earlier in the week?) told me that I really needed to workout. And so I trundled off to the gym, equipped with gossip rags and a kickass Cardio playlist to get me through.

The workout? Oh, just 60 minutes on an elliptical machine. Which, let me tell you, is nowhere near as easy as you think it is. Sixty minutes of grinding repition marked only by the pops and cracks of my entirely woefully unexercised joints, with background music provided by Lady GaGa. Around the 30 minute mark, I was sure I was going to pass out. I selected "Bad Romance" and pushed on. It was not fun, and it was definitely the first time I've sweated in, well, a really long time. But when I hit 60 minutes, looked at the calorie count and the distance I'd "traveled", I was more than pleased with myself. That was until I got off the ellipticals and my legs were so Jell-O like that I nearly fell, Bridget Jones-style.

In the end, the workout was well worth it. I went back today, still slightly sore from yesterday's workout, but secure in the knowledge that though my muscles seemed to be staging a not-so velvet revolution, they'd be thanking me in short order.

30 Day Shred: Day 4

I began feeling a bit ill today, but managed to complete the work-out, which I was SUPER pleased about. I did break my diet (and I also gave up on the Flat Belly Diet because I am incapable of surviving, happily, on 1,200 calories a day. I am not Madonna or Victoria Beckham. I need sustenance) and went to Maltby Pizza & Pasta. I was extremely good for the whole day though, I saved up most of my calories so that I could indulge in a slice and a half of carbohydrate and fat-laden goodness. And boy, was it worth it. But I got full way quicker than I expected.
Anyways, I am hoping that whatever this is I'm feeling goes away overnight, I'm just not interested in being sick. But really, who is?

30 Day Shred: Day 3

I am in day 2 of the Flat Belly Diet's 4-Day anti-bloat fast. And can I tell you something? I am RAVENOUS. I cannot diet, and this is why. For breakfast I had: a bowl of unsweetened corn flakes, some sunflower seeds, pineapple tidbits and a glass of Sassy Water. I understand that dieting is about feeding yourself for nutritional value rather than taste. Which is something especially important for a comfort eater like myself. But I go to bed hungry, I wake up hungry, and even when I eat, I'm still hungry.

ME WANT FOOD.

I have to go to Target today to pick up some odds and ends, and I think that I will break my diet and have a Jamba Juice smoothie and then go shopping for diet foods for myself. I cannot follow this diet without going insane.

In other news, I did something different for my 3rd day of the shred! I cracked open our EA Active for Wii Box and did a few workouts, and holy ISH. Amazing. If you have a Wii, I highly recommend buy this game. My heart rate got going, I did cardio, kickboxing, etc. And you don't need the Wii Fit board, just the Wii-mote & controller.

Anyways, I'll do the shred tonight. In the mean time? I'll be avoiding boxes of crackers for fear that I will eat an entire box in one sitting.

30 Day Shred: Day 2

This morning was even more of a struggle than yesterday morning, but I successfully pulled myself from the comfort of my down comforter and worked out. I had a bowl of oatmeal afterwards, but overall, the day was pretty bad food-wise. I took a nap right after my workout, and then headed to Seattle armed with a peanut protein bar and a bottle of Sassy Water. I got through about a quater of the protein bar (it is still languishing in my purse, half eaten and partially damp from the rain) and half the bottle of water. I spent most of the afternoon in the hairdresser's chair. And afterwards, I decided to spend my Sephora gift card and got a little mini makeover because of my new bangs. I like my bangs, my only hesitation is that I'm going to have to do a little more work; make up AND straightening. But I'm game for a challenge.

Anyways, after my makeover, I had time to kill before the bus home, so I had a Soy Awake Tea Latte from Starbucks and it was basically heavenly, although just a touch too sweet. When I came home, I had a handful of cashews & right now, I'm waiting for my tilapia & red potatoes to finish baking.

The ache in my arms and legs has faded to a dull roar, which is a positive. Tomorrow, I'll be back on track with my food. I'm proud that I managed to avoid going to Le Panier for a piece of D'Orsay, but I really should have eaten something. Anything. I think my fear of breaking my diet prevented me from eating anything at all.

End of Day 1

I am not going to make this two posts a day deal some kind of habit, but I wanted to put this out there: I ate a small chocolate chip cookie and I feel incredibly guilty. I could taste the butter and chocolate as I reached into the cookie jar, but as I took my last bite, I literally saw Jillian Michaels in my mind's eye and it scared the bejesus out of me.

I am going to chalk it up to a beginner's mistake, because overall, I'm still a couple hundred calories short of what I'm supposed to consume each day.

I had:
-One stalk of celery with almond butter
-A bowl of oatmeal
-6 glasses of water
-4 whole wheat crackers
-1 piece of whole wheat toast
-A half a piece of thin crust pepperoni pizza
-10 grapes (I counted, hush up)
-6 baby carrots
-A cup of PG Tips with a teaspoon of milk and 2 teaspoons of sugar
-1 small chocolate chip cookie

I'm mildly frightened about tomorrow; I'm going downtown to be someone's lab rat at a hair salon and there are so many delicious temptations to sway me from my goal! I might splurge and have a Soy Awake Tea Latte, those are only 100ish calories.

Oh and I will be making Cook Yourself Thin's Shrimp & Grits (minus the parmesan cheese) for dinner.

30 Day Shred: Day 1

Well, it's 2010. And I have arrived, safe and sound, albeit in a slightly pudgier body than I imagined. To rectify that, I've decided to embark on Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I tried this in May, during my last round of unemployment, and I lasted a grand total of 2 days before I could no longer resist the pull of the Chick-Fil-A around the corner. With the nearest Chick-Fil-A about an hour and a half's drive away, I really have no excuse/distractions keeping me from trying to complete the whole shebang. And maybe throw a diet in there somewhere.

So, this morning, I woke up at 6am, ready and rearing to go. Well, that's actually kind of a lie. I woke up at 5:30 and stared at the ceiling for a while before hauling myself out of bed shortly after 6. When I finally got the CD into my new computer, I discovered that the default DVD region on the computer was inexplicably set to Region 2. Anyways, after fiddling around for a while, I started. And oh my Godric, I was winded like 2 minutes into it. In a good way, I guess? But I completed it! With a few water breaks thrown in (even though Jillian repeatedly says no breaks) because I cannot remember the last time I did a full on jumping jack. After my little workout, I had a bowl of oatmeal, a glass of water and a Women's One-A-Day vitamin. It's actually really remarkable what a little cardio can do to jumpstart your day. After I finished breakfast, I cleaned, did a load of laundry and was basically finished with my daily chores by 8am. My plan is to go for a walk shortly before lunch, and then maybe another walk later in the afternoon.

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away

Plans have been dashed (again?). I don't know if this is some sort of sign from the universe/God, but my plans to move to the Windy City have been postponed. I won't go into the nitty gritty details because as much as I enjoy throwing my random whinging into the great void that is the Intertubes, I don't really like the idea that things THAT personal could be floating around.

In any case, I'm unemployed (once again). And I don't know when/how I will get my next gig. So I'm approaching this period (until mid-January) as a prolonged vacation. That way, I can sort of maintain an ounce of sanity.

Today, I deep-cleaned my room and used a labeler on several tupperware bins. Then I resumed my "Supernatural" marathon. I think tomorrow, I will start a schedule of early morning workouts, then a nap, then studying French and statistics, then a walk. These are the things I will do to stave off the insanity that my 3rd round of unemployment in 7 months is sure to provoke.

Nuts & Bolts. Bits & Bobs. Part I.

I will leave you to your own devices for getting a passport and sorting out your flight details. But one of the most important parts about your stay in London? The place you'll rest your weary feet at the end of touristing.

I am incredibly cheap when it comes to hotel-age. When I visit London, I usually have the luxury of crashing on people's couches. But failing that, I will stay in a hostel (or a hotel if someone else is paying). Though I'm kind of a lazy tourist, I do not spend too terribly much time in the bed wherever it is I'm staying, so I don't typically choose luxury accomodations. I look for safety, location and price.

With that in mind, here are two standbys for trips to Londinium:

London School of Economics Vacation Accomodations
This is definitely my top choice when travelling to London. I stayed in Passfield Hall, located just off Tottenham Court Road and a short walk from two tube stations (Warren Street and Euston Square, both short rides to the Picadilly Line, which will take you to Heathrow). Reasonably priced, safe area, free breakfast, and if you're a couple, you can stay in the same room. The rooms are pretty bare bones, a bed, a sink, a desk, a phone. Think the inside of a dorm room before it's furnished (they do provide towels and blankets/pillows, as well as daily linen changing). You will need to share a bathroom. There's a common room with a TV, books, etc. But you didn't visit London to stay inside all day! There are several internet cafes and a grocery store nearby, and you're about a 15-20 minute walk from Oxford Street (I need to quit talking about it, it makes me want to shop). The only downside is that many of the halls double as residence halls, so you may only be able to book accomodation during school holidays.

London House Hotel
This is a really awesome location in Bayswater. The rooms are a decent rate (can get pricey), but if you're a couple, you will be able to share a room here. There is a TV in each room as well as an ensuite bathroom. The Tube station is just across the road and there are a ton of great pubs nearby. Negatives for me at this hotel? The woman who checked me in had a very loose grasp on the English language and there is no elevator. But if you don't have much luggage, shouldn't be a problem. This place books up quickly, so book well in advance.

If you're travelling solo and want to meet people (or if you are travelling in a group and can book enough beds in a room to get it all to yourself), I recommend St. Christopher's Inn in Hammersmith. Located directly across the street from a Tube station, above a great, cheap pub (and you get discounts for staying at the hostel) that has live music some nights. Free wi-fi in the pub, and actually really comfy beds. I have stayed here a number of times and I absolutely loved it (plus I met my London Partner in Crime, Steph, at this hostel!).

...And now, for something completely different

I have been really bad at updating this journal as of late, and it is not for wont of material. Mostly, I get caught up in my 9-5 (or, 7-7) routine and never finish the journal entries I start. But last week, my friend and I were discussing travelling to London and I decided that there would be no better way to exercise my weakening writing muscles than through a few travel-related entries.

Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows I absolutely love Paris. Surprisingly, I don't visit Paris as often as one would imagine, especially given the amount of black and white photos of Paris I have in my posession. The city I go back to when I have any extra money in my savings account? London.

London and I have had a difficult relationship. I first visited Paris at 14, and it lived up to all my starry-eyed dreams of romantic, cobble stoned streets lit by gothic lampposts and the glittering lights of the Eiffel Tower. So when I first visited London (at 21, mind you), I fully expected to live out "Love Actually" and "Bridget Jones's Diary." Instead, I nearly got hit by cabs (several times, once while taking a picture of a sidewalk sign directing you to "look left" before crossing the street), ate an insane amount of Chicken Tikka Masala, hung out with Germans and was followed through a park by a pickpocket. I left London slightly disappointed that I hadn't found my own Mark Darcy and that I rarely ever heard English, let alone English spoken by English people, on the Tube. What I learned during subsequent visits, however, was that all of the experiences I had in London were indeed genuine London experiences. London didn't meet my expectations because London isn't just one thing; it is red telephone boxes, but it is also curries in Brick Lane. It's hearing a lot of Italian on the Tube, but going into a pub and hearing someone speak with such a thick Scottish brogue that you have no idea what they're saying.

In the next couple of weeks, I'll be writing entries about specific London (or southern England) adventures I took that helped me find my second home.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

One of the wonderful things about my unemployment (there are...a couple, I suppose) is that I really couldn't have timed it any better...I got summer vacation as an adult. About a week after my last day at work, I left Seattle for Houston to stay with my mom for a while. The weather change couldn't have been more abrupt, but waking up every morning to a cloudless, robin's egg blue sky definitely has its perks. The 30 degree temperature increase took a little getting used to, but soon enough, I was decked out in my finest sundresses and letting my pale legs and arms get some sun.

I wake up later than I generally would, make tea and feed the dogs. I eat a breakfast of Cheerios and watch the news with my mom. Then I begin a day of job hunting and occasionally, a little bit of writing as well. Halfway through the day, I take a lunch break and indulge in my favorite guilty pleasure; Judge shows. There are so many to pick from! After I've numbed my brain a sufficient amount, I round up the tiny dogs and take them for a walk. When we've returned and the puppies have been watered, I resume my job hunting. There's dinner and another walk for the puppies and some TV watching with my mom.

My favorite thing to do before bedtime is go outside on the back patio, light a citronella candle and breathe in the warm, Texas summer air. During the daytime, the thickness of the air can be oppressive and overwhelming. In the evening, however, the warmth that lingers in the air blends with the smells of flowers and freshly cut grass (always cut your grass at dusk when you live in hot climates!) and it is intoxicating. If I close my eyes, I can feel myself drift back in time, to when my "real life" wasn't immediate or looming, and the days stretched ahead, filled with limitless possibility.

On Monday, I head back to Seattle for a job interview. If I get the job, I will no doubt be thrilled. A permanent, non-contract position will afford me the sort of stability that lends itself to leasing an apartment and finally fully becoming an adult. There's also a shot that I might have a few dates this summer, and that maybe I might get into grad school. Monday will be back to the real world.

Unemployment is an uncomfortable and mentally taxing time. The leisure I have is due to the fact that my parents are generous enough to let me stay with them until I sort out this life of mine. But what I know now is that life moves so incredibly quickly; it seems like it was just last year when I was having full 3 month summer vacations from college or high school. Without the punctuation marks of vacations and exams, dances and football games, adult life drops into a pattern that ticks along quickly and without slowing to remind you that the year 2009 is halfway over. With my break/contract ending, I had one more shot at the languid, drowsy pace of the summer vacations of yesteryear. I enjoyed them more than I ever could have imagined.

What A Feeling

I've never seen Flashdance. I honestly get it confused with Fame quite a bit, which is pretty pathetic. But it's the truth. I've heard this "What A Feeling" song before, but my feelings about the song are shaped by the fact that everytime I heard it, the lyrics were lost in a jittery, thumping techno beat in a cheesy, smokey disco in Paris.

During last week's season finale of Grey's Anatomy, the always brilliant music producers selected this really wonderful cover of "What A Feeling" that made me get that tight, pre-tears feeling in my throat.



I cannot express in non-emo words how much I hate what my life has become. Two failed attempts at grad school. Living at home with my parents. Health issues. And now I'm unemployed. I just feel so helpless and alone but at same time, crowded and without an exit.

Everyday, I wake up and entertain the thought of taking my meager savings and disappearing on a plane to Paris. But I know that isn't realistic at all and I really have to try harder and focus and reach for whatever it is that I want out of my life. I'll be 25 this year and I want to be able to really be proud of something I've accomplished.

Hopefully, as I dig myself out of my Haagen Dazs and Vodka filled pit of despair, self-loathing and self-pity, the words can mean something more to me and help me really acknowledge that life isn't something passive and sitting back and letting things happen is no way to live. You have to take your passion and make it happen, right Irene Cara? And hey, with this extra time on my hands from being sans job, I might even watch Flashdance.

You're Young Until You're Not

The past week has been a terrible rollercoaster ride. Terrible because instead of soaring highs and then steep, sharp drops, it's just been feeling a lot like I'm nosediving into an abyss. Melodramatic? Definitely. But being 24, single, unemployed with few job prospects and living with your family tends to make you not so optimistic about the world around you. Mostly because being 24 means you're still quite self-centered and focused on what you don't have instead of what you do.

And frankly, there's a lot that I do have to be thankful for. Like a loving family, a roof overhead, money for frivolous things like tall black tea lattes, Netflix and clear plastic bags full of Juicy Pear and Pomegranate jelly beans. A shopping bag full of books I need to re-read, money in my bank account, and, for the most part, my health.

So despite the fact that I'm really actually pretty depressed at the moment, I'm going to try a little bit harder to be hopeful about my future and thankful for the things I have.

I'm going to take ballet classes, join a French speaking group, apply for jobs, visit friends and family members in far flung corners of the country, take more long walks in the rain, buy flowers, garden, build things, take Flash classes and hope that somewhere, there's a job that's just right for me.

I'm going to be 25 soon. While that's still pretty young, I think it's time for some self-reflection and taking stock of who I am right now and what I hope to become. I feel lost all the time because I don't know what I want from life and it's high time I sort that out.

This will be my theme song:

Updates! For all...3 of my readers :)

I haven't written in a long while, mostly because there's not anything particularly noteworthy or interesting going on in my world. But then I realized that the point of this blog had very little to do with life-altering, earth-shattering events and more to do with the banalities of everyday life and my working my way through this odd little life of mine.

In any case, I will soon be unemployed. Not because I've been laid off, but because the contract for my current position expires next month. The behemoth company I work for has actually gone through a pretty sizeable round of layoffs, and I'm pretty sure if my contract didn't end when it does, I'd have been gone in January. My two officemates were brought on after me, and both of them saw their contracts abruptly cut off. And by abruptly I mean their bosses told them on Monday that their last day was Friday.

My days have now taken on a thick and relentless monotony. I come to work, make a cup of tea, check my mail (where there isn't anything for me to do because no one wants to start me on a new project if I'm going to be gone soon), check the blogs, apply for jobs. Repeat for 8 hours. There is absolutely NO REASON I should be exhausted at the end of a day like that, I chalk it up to the emotional toll sitting around doing nothing when you know you could or should be doing something takes on you.

I've been applying for jobs since December and I've gotten 1 interview. I'd feel worse if the economy wasn't so poor, but I just know that this is the way things are going to be for a while. All that I can do is keep trying and hoping for the best.

Ugh. The point of this entry was NOT to be depressing, but rather to offer an explanation of the changes I hope to make over the coming months. Because I'll be unemployed for a while, I plan on writing a lot more. In part because writing is what I love most in the world, and in part because I won't have anything else to do. There are probably 30 or so half-written entries waiting to be finished and posted, and I'm hoping to do a little bit of commentary regarding my job hunt.